It will come as no surprise to anyone that midlife can be a time with more bumps than bumps. Nor that long-term couples find their sex life deficient. Struggling with the stresses of physical change and multiple responsibilities—not to mention the possibility of an existential crisis—is hardly conducive to passion.
Men especially find it difficult to address such difficulties, whether they have been with a partner for 20 years or two weeks. But those who seek help from psychotherapist and relationship therapist Silva Neves often have common worries.
The sooner the situation is recognized and accepted, the sooner it can be addressed and remedied. It’s important to remember that this is common for all men – and no one should feel “alone”.
Here he shares the five most common questions asked by midlife men and the advice he offers.
How do I make time for sex when I’m so busy and tired?
In midlife, men’s careers and concerns are often all consuming. When their love life needs to be reinvigorated, it is often a struggle against the ceaseless struggle to maintain status and lifestyle.
“Status is important for a lot of men and the provider element,” says Neves. “It’s something they can show their partner, but also the broader society, by saying, ‘I’m a good husband, a good person, because I take care of things.'”
But he says many men told him, “My career is eating me up, I don’t have the energy or time for my sex life.”
Neves says: “The private is left behind. And very often this is their sex life, to meet their own needs, but also to meet the needs of their partner. And when that conversation is uncomfortable, it’s very common for both partners never to talk about it.”
The lack of a fulfilling intimate connection weighs heavily – after all, it is what gives our lives meaning. Neves notes that when researchers asked people at the end of their lives what their biggest regrets were, they “always said, ‘I wish I’d spent more time with my family, my spouse; I wish I’d paid more attention to the human connection.” No one said, ‘I wish I had a bigger house or a better career.'”
So Neves asks the men he sees in his consulting room, “When you look back on your deathbed, what would you like to see?” It can make them reprioritize.
But how can men address the issue, especially when there is resentment? As hard as it is, he encourages her to open up. “Have an emotionally vulnerable conversation,” he says. “I suggest looking at your partner and saying, ‘I miss you. I miss being around you. i miss touching you I miss our connection. I’m not telling you because I forgot, but I really like waking up every day and seeing you by my side.’”
I’m worried that I’m not in the mood for my partner anymore: what to do?
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/relationships/how-men-avoid-sex-dry-spell-40s-50s-erection-advice-2021/ How men can avoid the dreaded sex dry spell in their 40s and 50s